Always In, Never Out

Behold, the legendary Double Double and Triple Triple

(Ed Note: Our part-time contributor and West-Coast-chain aficionado Ben Jammin checks in with his second installment.)

Just how good are In N’ Out cheeseburgers? I would wager that after your second visit to the quirky fast food chain, your taste buds and stomach will develop a craving that hits you suddenly and without warning, not unlike an abusive girlfriend. Unfortunately, as these little bastions of beef are located primarily on the West Cost of the United States, there likely isn’t one within 600 miles of you.

Why is that? Why after being open for more than 63 years are there only 258 locations? It seems counterintuitive, but the answer lies in In-N-Outs commitment to sustaining the quality and values on which it was founded. For example, they are virtually the only fast food chain restaurant to pay its employees significantly more than state and federal minimum wage (starting at $10 in California).

The book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser is not kind at all to fast food restaurants – and why would it be, when Schlosser’s research uncovered such unsavory details of the industry such as that some ground beef destined for fast-food restaurants had been contaminated with bits of cattle spinal cord? Tasty!

Schlosser has this to say about In-N-Out: ''I think they're great. It isn't health food, but it's food with integrity. It's the real deal.' In his best-selling book, Schlosser commends the chain for using natural, fresh ingredients (no restaurant is more than a day’s drive from one of its regional supply facilities), cleanliness and great treatment of employees.

Gordon Ramsay, Thomas Keller, Julia Child, Mario Batali, Jason Giambi and Dude from the Big Lebowski have all gone on record as saying In-N-Out is their favorite restaurant, and THEY can’t be wrong. With no exaggeration whatsoever, I can tell you that whenever I drive past an In-N-Out, the drive-thru lane is at least 10 cars deep, and oftentimes many more. This is not surprising when you consider that when my local Scottsdale restaurant opened, people were waiting more than four hours for fast food hamburgers while being filmed by several news helicopters overhead.

But what about the FOOD, man? As you can see from the above image, In-N-Out burgers look nothing like any other fast food fare. The image above is 100% accurate – the patties are monstrous, the cheese is excessive and the lettuce, tomatoes, onions and Spread (a 1000 Island-based sauce) are all noticeably fresh. Upon ordering a burger at In-N-Out, you will always be asked if you’d like onions. Then, you’ll be asked if you’d like them grilled or fresh. It’s a small but surprisingly delightful touch.

The primary menu is very simple, consisting of a one-patty or two-patty burger, with cheese or without. French fries, fountain drinks and milkshakes are also available. But part of the reason In-N-Out is known for its cult following is due to its very popular not-so-secret menu, which can actually be found in its basic form through an Easter Egg on the restaurant’s website. While there are literally hundreds of variations available, the Animal Style (burger, lettuce, tomato, mustard-cooked patty, pickle, extra spread, grilled onions) and Protein Style (burger wrapped in lettuce, rather than two buns) are of particular note and absurdly popular. You wouldn’t think to ever try a burger wrap, but I did and I’m damn certain I will again.

So, how good are these cheeseburgers from this “fast food” restaurant? I stopped by an In-N-Out last night to grab my customary Double Double, reached home and promptly ate half of the sandwich, savoring the tangy sharp taste of the melted cheese I find nowhere else in Drive Thru land. Wanting to save the other half for lunch the next day I placed my leftover sandwich in the refrigerator. But, while trying to sleep, I couldn’t get the image of my lonely heifer sacrifice chilling all alone out of my head. Able to fight it no longer, I marched down stairs and devoured the rest of my cheeseburger, which had been in the fridge for more than an two hours. I ate it cold.

If you’re lucky enough to pass by an In-N-Out, see for yourself what all of the fuss is about. It took me two visits, and I was hooked on In.

Macaroni Grill - Bringing the Old Country to the Suburbs

After a night of heavy drinking, very few foods ease a hangover like pasta. Similarly, on a morning of looking and smelling like you were steamrolled by a pack of wild chimps, it is advised that one avoids a nicer dining establishment (and post-church crowds at all costs). It was with these truths in mind that my baby mama, our kid (who, no worries, did not participate in the previous night’s festivities) and I set out to eat lunch at a chain Italian restaurant.

We decided upon Macaroni Grill, because choosing Olive Garden just feels like you’ve thrown away your dignity. You may as well book your next meal at ‘Folks.’ Also, after years of seeing the overly-exuberant, cheezy, truly happy families in Olive Garden commercials, not to mention our mood and appearance that morning, we simply did not belong there. Also, Macaroni Grill had no wait…a must for dining at a chain restaurant in my eyes.

If you have a kid with you, the Macaroni Grill experience is a good distractor. Fresh fish displays, open kitchens, and most importantly, paper table cloths that the kids can draw all over. Our kid is not a big fan of going out to eat at non-McDonald’s or Chick-fil-A joints, so the fact she was able to sit through an entire meal at a sitdown restaurant without getting antsy is a testament to the handful of crayons, plethora of white table space , and her newfound interest in tic-tac-toe.

My first impression upon sitting down was the new menu. In the past (easily 3+ years since I had been to a Macaroni Grill), I recall a large, diverse, Olive Garden/Carrabbas style menu. Their new menu was a one-sheeter, with all food items on front, drinks on back. First thing I noticed was the “Italian Tapas” at the top of the menu.

Now, I love Italian food. I can even get over an Italian Restaurant capitalizing on the overpriced-small-portion craze that has overtaken many trendy neighborhood restaurants all over the country. But between ‘Italian Tapas’ and Olive Garden now offering Paninis on their everyday menu, the average Italian chain restaurant has as much old-country authenticity as a ‘Godfather’ remake filmed in Wyoming.

(Not that this is always a bad thing. I remember my first visit to a genuine Little Italy eatery in NYC involved me staring in horror at an appetizer consisting of cantaloupe wrapped in prosciutto. At that moment I wanted nothing more than mozzarella sticks, authenticity be damned.)

Back to Macaroni Grill- We of course fell for the tapas gimmick, going for the “baked prosciutto and mozzarella” (excellent) and the “shrimp, cannellini bean and avocado crostini” (terrible, even the female I was with – who of course ordered that non-italian item- concurred…seriously, avocado at an Italian restaurant?). Between these tapas and the bread, we were stuffed. So soon after our food came, we were going the doggy bag route and purposefully making cheezy jokes to the waiter about how “well now I know what I’m having for dinner!!”

2 more quick notes: the Bibb and Blue salad (bibb leaves, blue cheese, pancetta, walnuts, pickled red onions, buttermilk dressing, grilled chicken) was excellent…just make sure to get the dressing on the side. They poured enough on there to make me consider asking if I could buy more lettuce. Also, for the first time ever, my companion ordered spaghetti and meatballs…the least expensive entrée on the menu. Naturally, it was delicious, and even though the same dish could have been made at home for roughly $3, her not perusing the menu, pointing at the 2^nd most expensive thing on there and saying “ooooh…that looks good!” was a small victory for me. Unfortunately, I doubt she could say the same as I shoveled my salad into a to-go box.

Expensive Sandwiches

A couple weeks ago, my coworkers invited me out to lunch to a place I had never heard of - Sweet Peppers. Apparently, it's a chain (hence its inclusion in this blog) and there's even one in Athens. One of my coworkers was raving about their Cuban sandwich. I was hesitant. I consider myself to be somewhat on the frugal side and as such, I make an effort to bring my lunch to work most days. Now I love going out to eat. It's one of my favorite ways to spend money but we all know it's an expensive habit so I try to limit myself to one dining out lunch per week (unless of course, someone else is offering to pick up the tab). So on my one day a week of venturing out of the office, I like to go to a restaurant where someone will actually cook me something because I've been eating sandwiches, wraps and salads out of a brown paper bag all week. Hence, I was not thrilled at the idea of going somewhere and paying money for a sandwich, even if my coworkers were raving about how good they were. However, after a few weeks of politely declining, the desire to hang out with people and make new friends at my new job out weighed my restaurant snobbishness and I agreed to go, dragging my husband along for the ride, of course.

When we arrived the place was already looking up as I noted plenty of out door seating and it happened to be a beautiful day outside. We walk in and there's a counter to order from, just like at McDonald's. Also there's a large menu on the wall behind the cash registers, just like at McDonald's. I already knew what I wanted because I'm obsessed with food. So I enjoy looking at the menu online before coming to a restaurant, especially if I'm on my lunch break and pressed for time.  I wouldn't want to be forced to make a hasty decision and then regret it, consequently ruining the rest of my afternoon. However, I had to wait about ten minutes behind my coworker who was flirting with the cashier. He's one of those people who thinks he's really witty but most people just find it exhausting to keep up with. Normally it's amusing to me but not while I'm starving!


Finally, a manager opens up another line and I get to order lunch for me and my husband. After I order, the manager hands me two empty glasses for our drinks (just like at McDonald's) and our two cookies out of the display case. When he hands me my receipt, there's a place on there for a tip. I hesitate, but decide to leave $2 on our $18 lunch. Then he hands me the $2 in cash and instructs me to leave it on the table for our server. Server? Say what? Apparently, after we order at the cash register, pay at the cash register, get our own drinks and then sit down, a server brings us our food. Isn't that a charming touch?

At this point, I'm regretting mentioning earlier that I'm frugal. It's not that I have a problem tipping - I was in the restaurant business for years!  Actually, the years of working in the restaurant business is probably contributing to my stinginess in this situation. I worked the lunch shift at a very popular restaurant and I use to get killed by the lunch rush. Everyone comes in at the same time and I would bust my ass to greet people, get drinks, hand out menus, take orders, ring orders in, communicate special orders to the kitchen and then the worst part - splitting up the check and making change for each person paying with a twenty dollar bill on her eight to ten dollar lunch. So at the risk of sounding like a cheap bastard, I am simply not going to tip a waitress 20% for merely running the food out and busing the table. Hell, at the restaurant where I worked we had food runners who did that and they made an hourly wage plus a 1% sales tip out from each server.  That's right 1%, not 20. 

All that being said, the business plan of this restaurant has its advantages. For one, having people pay before they get their food eliminates the problem of people walking out on the bill and undoubtedly cuts down on a lot of human error and possibly theft. Also, it makes it so much easier to handle people coming in for lunch and paying separately. I also don't mind making my own drink because then I can put the right amount of ice in it. If I'm getting tea, I can mix the right concoction of sweet and unsweet. From a servers perspective it must be awesome as well. "Wait, I have six teas on my tray and I know some are unsweet, some are sweet, some are half and half and one is three quarters sweet and one quarter unsweet. Shit, which one is which?"

So we take our drinks and find a nice table outside. The server brings us our food and my sandwich is on the wrong kind of bread. There are two versions of the sandwich I ordered, a smaller, healthier one on wheat and a larger, less healthy one on ciabatta. I went with the less healthy version but it came out on a gross wheat bread anyway. I ordered a roast beef sandwich that was suppose to have horseradish on it. It had some white stuff on it, presumably mayonnaise, but the sandwich had no spice to it what so ever. There was no taste of horseradish at all and horseradish has a pretty strong flavor. I think the people of Sweet Peppers chose the non-horseradish horseradish to satisfy the bland palate of the average American diner. No chance of someone sending this sandwich back because it's too spicy!

So all and all I was not too impressed with the place. Today when my coworker asked me if I wanted to go because she was craving a Cuban, I just said "Awe chucks. I already brought my lunch."

They did have pretty good cookies, though.

Next day follow up:

 Today I had lunch with my husband at a restaurant with the same type design as Sweet Peppers - order and pay at the counter, get your own drink and someone brings you your food. The system is actually growing on me. Another advantage that I noticed is that people seat themselves. Trying to seat people in a restaurant is just about damn near impossible. People always want to sit at a different table and even though it's going to mess up your rotation, there's really nothing you can do about it. I appreciate that these restaurants have accepted the futility of trying to seat people and came up with a different system. One thing that Sweet Peppers is doing right is they give you really big glasses. The restaurant we ate at today did not and we had to get up during our meal to refill our drinks. This is arguably an advantage because at least you are not sitting there thirsty, waiting for the server to come over. However, it left me inclined to leave no money on the table for the person who dropped off my food. I did, however, leave a dollar in the tip jar by the cash register and they probably split tips there. In conclusion, this new hybrid of fast food/sit down restaurant was something new for me and hence it made me a little uncomfortable at first. Now that I've given it a chance, though, I think it works well for lunch. It's all the efficiency of fast food without falling into the typical fast food category. This allows the restaurant to charge more for their food and snobby White people like me to eat there and still maintain "I never eat fast food." The new system poses some questions about the role of the server and tipping etiquette. As someone who waited tables for five years and is now a restaurant critique, I would like to suggest 5 - 10% as a reasonable amount to tip at these restaurants. I would like to invite my readers to share their thoughts and opinions on this new restaurant business model.

RED LOBSTER: A Detailed Analysis

The best thing about Red Lobster is the free basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits you get with your meal. For a place that serves LOBSTER, that is not a good thing. Luckily, the deliciousness of the Cheddar Bay Biscuits ensures that you will not care what the rest of your meal tastes like. Besides all-you-can-eat-shrimp, I can't name one thing I've ever ordered at Red Lobster. It's all about the biscuits.

Barberitos - Better than Burgers

After rummaging through our empty refrigerator last night in search of dinner, my husband and I came to the forced conclusion that it was time to make a trip to Publix. Concerned about the consequences of grocery shopping on an empty stomach, I suggested we eat dinner out and then go to the store. My husband made a face. Where do you want a go? Arrrg - we just made the decision to go to the store and now we're faced with yet another daunting dinner decision - what restaurant to go to first?

With only a few hundred dollars left in our bank account before the next pay day and a hefty grocery bill looming in our very near future, I decided to count the cash in my wallet. $27. Where can we get dinner for under $30 and still satisfy our White people's prejudice against fast food? Eric was about to change his mind on eating out in favor of going straight to Publix but as I am prone to whining and other childish behavior if not fed regularly, I was determined to get my way. How about Barberitos? His grimace turned into a half smile as he nodded his consent. He hadn't realized there was a Barberitos down here.

Now I know what you are probably thinking, wait isn't that fast food? And I know it's pretty much the same thing only you get a tortilla instead of a bun, chips instead of fries and salsa instead of ketchup, but as a White person I see the burrito chains as a step - albeit small one - above regular fast food. There are a few reasons for this. For one thing they serve beer at these places and having a beer/wine license moves you one step closer to being a real restaurant. Also, they have tofu as an option and I think we all know how much White people love tofu. In general, Barberitos tries to give at least the impression of being a healthy restaurant. They offer things like tofu, guacamole, spinach tortillas, spinach salads and a variety of vegetables to add to your burrito and this effort to be health conscious appeals to me (as my readers probably already know). So I ordered a skinny + burrito with guacamole instead of sour cream, tofu as my meat, rice, no beans (I'm sure beans are really healthy but I just don't like them) and cheese on a spinach tortilla.

For my husband and I to get two burritos, the charge was $15 and some change. The guy ringing us up forgot to ring in my husband's Coke so we saved a little there. I think $15 is a little more than you would spend on two combo meals at McDonald's (I wouldn't know, of course) but it seems pretty close. I think it's very smart of Barberitos to include the chips in the price of the burrito. So McDonalds' employees try really hard to sell you the french fries (just think of all the times you've heard "would you like fries with that?") because the fries have a higher profit margin than the cheeseburger. Whereas, Barberitos just gives you the chips for "free." You order a burrito and you don't know it but you've already bought the chips. Smart thinking Barberito big wigs.

As I attempted to dig into my fat burrito (don't believe the skinny crap they use as the name, this is a thick burrito), I immediately ripped the shell of it and rice and tofu went all over my plate. No matter, I used the chips to scoop up the food. The chips are a point of contention for my husband. While we appreciate that they are frying them on site rather than dumping them out of a Tostitos bag, they seem to be overdoing the oil a bit. I mean I love that they're salty and delicious but I enjoy some crunch to my chips and some of these chips were actually chewy. It was like eating corn jerky. Not really my thing.

While we were eating our dinner, Eric commented that the chicken was a little dry. I had feared this myself which is why I chose the tofu. Eric previously worked at the Qdoba in Athens and commented that they use dark chicken there which is juicier and more flavorful than the white meat from the chicken breast that Barberitos uses. Which reminds me - be on the look out for an upcoming comparison blog on the major burrito chains (Moe's, Barberitos, Chipotle, etc) from my co editor, Joe Friday.

In conclusion, despite the fact that the chips were chewy and the chicken was dry, Eric and I enjoyed our relatively low cost, relatively healthy dinner. I guess the quality of the food can best be summed in one word -mediocre. One thing Eric said in its favor is that after eating the meal we felt satisfied but not uncomfortably full and bloated. This was a good point as that describes exactly how I felt after eating my "salad" at Shane's Rib Shack for lunch earlier that day (more on that later). I look forward to seeing how Barberitos stacks up in Joe's comparison blog but I would say, for being the only chain burrito place in our area, it's not too bad.

UNRELATED: Top 10 Beers (If you enjoy "Becks" or "Stella," move along)

Now, obviously, this is just some jackass with a blog's opinion. Not to mention, beer taste is totally subjective. You can take all your fancy, dark, "tasteful," "i drank this in germany," "i like hoppy beer" opinions to some microbrew blog for refined douchebags. If I'm drinking beer, I'm drinking it for two reasons: 1) to heighten my experience while dining at a mediocre Mexican establishment or 2) to get mind-numbingly intoxicated. I don't want a beer that tastes like a 5 course meal. Onto the list:

1) Amstel Light - Crisp, light, has a unique taste, comes in a well-insulated bottle. If I am at a wedding that is serving Amstel Light, that is what I am drinking all night, open bar or not.

2) Natural Light - Tastes like water? So what? Who the hell doesn't drink water? First of all, its nowhere near as water-y as detractors make it out to be. It still has a substantial Bud Light flavor to it. And at less than 8 dollars for a 12-pack and never more than $15 for a 30 pack, its the best value in brew.

3) Coors Light - Huge development in my beer-swilling habits of late: Coors Light recently ended Bud Light's 10-year reign as my domestic light beer of choice when a) out at a bar or b) needing to provide beer to a female that is thoroughly disgusted and turned off by Natty Light.

4) Bud Light - I will always enjoy Bud Light and have no idea why Coors Light supplanted it (uggh, I truly feel bad for anyone still reading down this far).

5) Bud Select - You cannot convince me there is a difference between Bud Select and Natty Light. Same "water-y" taste as declared by the masses. Same caloric content (95). Same distributors. Perhaps if any person I knew actually drank these two beers, someone else besides me might notice this.

6) Heineken - Closest beer to a premium that I'll drink and actually enjoy over a good ole domestic.

7) Brooklyn Lager - Yes, this is a gay microbrew from Williamsburg, Brooklyn of all places. But it doesn't try to overdo it with hops, spices and anything else that makes the brewmasters at Sam Adams nut their pants. Just a strong American beer. Yet to meet one person who has tried this beer and hasn't become a fan.

8) Coors - Best of all the non-light domestics, narrowly edging the original Budweiser. Thought I must admit I have never had a Miller Genuine Draft. That should change soon.

9) Miller Lite - It's a light, moderately priced American beer. It makes the list. However you would describe that distinct flavor that Miller Lite ads always tout is precisely the reason I have it so much lower than Bud/Coors Light on my list. It's also why Miller Lite drinkers are fiercely loyal to that brand, more so than fans of the other two are.

10) Sweetwater Blue - I really enjoy one, maybe two of these. Anything more than that leaves a bitter and sticky aftertaste in your mouth Yes, I know its a female beer (ask me, any Sweetwater falls under that category). At least I didn't go the Corona/Blue Moon route. Fruit in your beer? Please son.

One more thing: PBR tastes like ass...I don't get that one at all.

Ruby, tuby, do - and we've got salads, too!

I have heard some pretty bad things about Ruby Tuesdays, as far as their food having some of the worst nutritional ratings, even compared to fast food chains. One thing you do have to consider when you eat at some of these chain restaurants, (Ruby Tuesday’s, Chili’s, Applebee’s, etc.) is the nutritional value (or disvalue as the case may be) of the food is very comparable to major fast food restaurants but sometimes the portion size at the sit down restaurants will be larger to justify the increased cost.[1] I can see how someone might argue that about Ruby Tuesday’s but I believe it’s about the choices that you make.

If you’re trying to watch your caloric intakes, the beverage you chose can be the first pitfall. Of course the servers will try very hard to up sell you with the beverage. The corporation doesn’t want you to get a free drink, like water. At Ruby Tuesday’s they have a separate menu just for specialty drinks and desserts. If you’re looking for a fun, non-alcoholic beverage – they’ve go them. They have a variety of flavored teas and freshly squeezed lemonades. They’re a bit expensive ($3.49) but do come with free refills. They’ve also got a variety of specialty adult beverages but since I was on my lunch break I had the strawberry lemonade and it was delicious! It was sweet but tart and had bits of real strawberries in it. I do not recommend this if you want to cut down on calories though – stick with water.

A healthy option they have for lunch is the salad bar. A salad bar is a good choice for those of us on a lunch break with limited time. You just order and go, no waiting for your well done burger to cook. It’s not quite as impressive as the salad bar at Jason’s Deli but still a decent salad bar. Ruby Tuesday’s doesn’t have artichoke hearts, the little tiny muffins or free ice-cream that Jason’s Deli has, to name a few differences. Nonetheless, the vegetables were fresh, colorful and tasty and they have an impressive sneeze guard. I struggled to reach the vegetables with my short arms but was happy to know the mouth breathers of the world hadn’t contaminated my food.

Another great thing about the salad bar – free refills! So if you’re looking for a healthy lunch, believe it or not you can find it at Ruby Tuesday’s – just don’t pair the salad bar with the broccoli and cheese soup and you’ll be okay. Also, try to avoid the free cheese biscuits. I know free bread can make or break a restaurant for my co-editor, Joe Friday, however it can really pack on some unnoticed calories for our health conscious diners. Also, Ruby Tuesday’s is trying to expand their menu to include more healthy choices besides the salad bar. A word of caution here - just because it’s a turkey burger it’ll still be bad for you if you top it off with bacon, cheese and mayo – just something to consider. So all in all, I enjoyed my lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s and will probably go back there for lunch.

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[1] Source: personal opinion and bias

Burger King: Stuffed Doesn't Always Mean Buffed

(Ed Note: This is a guest post from part-time blogger, full-time fatass "Ben Jammin.")

Like an amusement park ride that looks really cool but is likely way more trouble than the actual payoff, themed and specialty burgers at fast food joints is just one of those things you want to try. “Hey,” you say to yourself as your couch surfing, observing a commercial featuring a new sandwich with two ½-pound patties, onion rings, barbeque sauce and topped with a fried egg. “There’s no way that shit could be bad!”

Alleged part-time “food critics” at Complex.com mention that the Burger King Stuffed Steakhouse, “has a smoky hit to it.” No, I believe the word you’re looking for there is “burnt.” Distinctly burnt with a minor hint of stomach-churn grease.

Ever since the Food Network aired a special about The Good Dog – and a few other local restaurants – in Philadelphia that stuffed their beef patties with all kinds of cheeses and ingredients before serving piping hot with cheese like magma flowing out from the meat’s pores to the public, it seems “stuffed” and “pockets filled with” is the new craze with hamburgers. Like gourmet, overpriced cupcakes before it, and the Atkins diet before that, I expect this craze will die down somewhat, especially when mutants of the concept are born of exceptional stupidity and greed with a complete lack of attention towards quality or taste.

Moving back to our analogy, we can safely say that the Stuffed Steakhouse is the steep-drop waterslide of fast food burgers. Sure, the concept of having pockets of cheese and jalepenos stuffed into your patty may seem like a good idea, just as the steep drop and considerable velocity make the straight-down water slide seem like a good idea.

So try it once, but in the end you don’t want to wait in line just to have water shot up your ass…or out of it.

Zaxby's - Zorry, I tried to like it

An unusual thing happened last week. I work in the office of an apartment complex and one of my residents gave me a $10 gift certificate to Zaxby's as a token of her appreciation. So after retrieving packages from her door step and unplugging appliances feared to be left on while she was out of town, I was awarded with a free lunch. I don't usually eat at Zaxby's but I was excited about the gesture.

 Happily, I phoned a girlfriend and made a lunch date for the next day. Since I had a gift card, I decided to go all out - I ordered an appetizer and a meal. Since I am not a big fan of crinkled fries and that's the typical side with a sandwich there, I selected a Zalad for my meal. To make up for not ordering fries, I decided to get an unhealthy, fried Zappetizer.

Now, I haven't been a big fan of Zaxby's in the past and I don't have a really good reason for it. I love Chik-fila and the two restaurants have pretty much the same concept.  Almost everyone I know loves Zaxby's. I do like how they serve their meals on a real plate so you get a little more of a restaurant feel versus a fast food feel. Also, it's better for the environment (a very waspy thing to say, I realize). However, I've just never gotten into Zaxby's. So to give Zaxby's a fair chance of impressing me I decided to order the most fattening and therefore hopefully, the most tasty, Zappetizer - fried white cheddar cheese bites. (For those price conscious readers, the Zappetizer is about three and half dollars but if you want to save money order it as a side). I love cheese and white cheddar is possibly my favorite type of cheese. However, I was very disappointed with my fried cheese bites. They weren't hot enough so the cheese was too thick. Instead of piping hot, soft, luscious, melted cheese - I got chewy cheese of the consistency of string cheese. Think string cheese with bread crumbs on it. That's what I was eating. I was dipping it in as much marinara as possible to make it worthwhile.

Nonetheless, I ended up eating most of the cheese bites because I enjoyed them more than my Zalad. Again, in an attempt to give Zaxby's a fair chance of winning me over as a customer - I ordered fried chicken on my Zalad. I know fried chicken is what Zaxby's is known for as opposed to grilled chicken. So again - I'm trying to give Zaxby's a fair chance here. The place is about one block from the apartment complex where I work and live. Everyone else loves it. I want to like it, too! I want to be a fan but still, I found the Zalad to be bland and tasteless. The salads taste like they're stored in a freezer - like your eating vegetables that once had flavor, color and life but now are just boring and flavorless Also, I'm pretty sure the chicken was supposed to be tossed in a teriyaki sauce that was forgotten. To put it another way - the salad was indescribably bad. So in conclusion, I've tried to give Zaxby's a chance and understand what it is about the place that everyone else is crazy about but I'm zorry, I'm just not into it.

Taco Mac: BRING YOUR CREDIT CARDS

Generally speaking, sports bar food ranks a slight notch above fast-food on the food quality scale, and about 20 notches below fast-food on the “bang-for-your-buck” value scale. You’re looking at mediocre philly cheesesteaks, average wings, frozen-then-nuked burgers, etc.

Therefore, in comparison to most sports bar fare, Taco Mac, with 25ish locations in Georgia and a couple of neighboring states, has a more diverse menu and better tastes. Given Taco Mac’s Mexican roots, there are tex-mex options as good as anything at any other chain Mexican joint. Their Queso Poblano, a cheese dip with peppers, jalepenos, cilantro, chorizo, and pico de gallo is well worth the $6.99. The burgers and sandwiches (especially the Hollywood Chicken sandwich) are comparable if not favorable to anything you would find at an Applebees, Chili’s, TGI Fridays, or anything else of that ilk.

(Disclosure: I’m not a connoisseur of buffalo wings. They all taste the same to me, and I’m kinda a pussy when it comes to uber-spicy foods. That said, by all accounts, Taco Mac’s are excellent.)

So given their above-average menu, tons of TVs and the 300+ beer choices, Taco Mac would seem like the ultimate destination to eat, watch a game or get drunk in a relaxed setting. This is true…as long as you go in with the expectation that it’s very possible that you will pay what you would at a 5-star steakhouse (assuming you like to drink at a sports bar).

Their cheapest beer is currently an aluminum bottle of Miller or Coors Light at $3.50. Their cheapest pitcher is PBR, usually $9. Domestic light beer pitchers run around $14. Every bottle of beer is at least $4-5, with many of the higher gravity varieties running anywhere from $6-8. Liqour prices are about what you can expect to pay at most any overpriced pub, but if you order liquor at Taco Mac you lose anyways.

What the marketing wizards at Taco Mac have done is create a fake club (“Brewniversity”) to help justify you paying for their expensive beer. After hitting certain benchmarks for trying amounts of different beers, you are “rewarded” with various knickknacks that make Chuck E. Cheese or arcade prizes seem like lottery winnings.

Let’s say, for argument’s sake, the average beer at Taco Mac, especially once you move to the non-light domestic beer options, is $6. Using this benchmark and this chart, these are the prizes received for money spent (yes, I realize this makes me look like a cheap bastard):

$78 – T-Shirt

$450 - $10 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$750 – T-Shirt and Mug, name on a plaque at Taco Mac

$1050 - $20 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$1350 – An embroidered polo shirt you will never wear in public, name on another plaque

$1650 - $30 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$1950 – An embroidered jacket that would look great if you were a strip club DJ, name on another plaque

$2250 - $50 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$3450 – An embroidered pullover that a homeless person needs more than you

$4500 – A Tankard. Actual value: Approximately $15

$6000 - $100 you can spend at Taco Mac, name on another plaque

So for spending $6000 on beer at Taco Mac, you acquire two T-Shirts that won’t fit you after you’ve spent the requisite amount of time required to spend $6k at Taco Mac, $210 in Taco Mac money, three tacky clothes items, 2 pieces of drinkware, and your name on some plaques that are sure to get you laid. WHERE CAN I SIGN UP?