BATTLE OF THE BURRITO

Over the last 10-15 years, an abundance of fast casual burrito chains have emerged across the country, and have succeeded in taking their place alongside Subway, gourmet burger joints and expensive sandwich places in the pantheon of high end alternatives to fast food. Amazingly, these burrito chains have also been cast as healthier alternatives to fast food by virtue of using tortillas instead of bread and chicken/steak instead of ground beef. This line of thinking exists despite most menu items carrying the caloric content of a Big Mac or Whopper with Cheese.

Anyways, down in this neck of the woods, two leaders have emerged as the kings of the burrito world: Moe’s Southwest Grill and Chipotle. There are several other competitors (Barberitos [too local, too similar to Moe’s], Baja Fresh [too west coast], Willy’s [too spicy, also a Moe’s ripoff], Q’doba [absolutely nothing special about this place], Taco del Mar/La Salsa [never heard of them – TOP NOTCH ANALYSIS]), but for this exercise, let’s stick to the big two, and break down their ingredients, tale of the tape style, to see who is the TRUE BURRITO KING.

(Disclosure: I have worked at a Moe’s before. Usually this makes me favor a restaurant. Just fyi.)

CHICKEN: Moe’s uses their Southwest Vinagarette dressing on their chicken, which is delicious, but dries out quickly. Unless you get a batch fresh off the grill, skip the chicken. Chipotle’s chicken is spicy, which is a personal preference, but it’s never dry. EDGE: CHIPOTLE

STEAK: Moe’s steak is rubbery, but delicious in the same way Chicken McNuggets are delicious. Chipotle’s steak is not rubbery, but equally as good in taste. SLIGHT EDGE: CHIPOTLE

PORK/BEEF: C’mon…if you’re gonna hit up one of these, go for the money meats…Chicken/Steak. Pork is the lesser white meat and since it costs the same, YOU are the loser if you get pork (or beef).

TOFU: Moe’s carries tofu for some reason. Chipotle does not. HUGE EDGE: CHIPOTLE

FAJITA VEGGIES: Chipotle allows you to get peppers/onions with your meal. Moe’s charges extra, therefore these veggies go bad quickly on the line. BIG EDGE: CHIPOTLE

BEANS/RICE: I don’t like beans or rice, and never get these with my meals. However, in order to make this a closer race and because nobody is reading this post, let’s go ahead and say… EDGE: MOE’S

CHEESE: Moe’s gives you Montery Jack/Cheddar blend. Chipotle counters with Jack/White Cheddar. Win-Win. Just make sure they pile it on. EDGE: TIE

LETTUCE: Moe’s has the giant plastic bag shredded iceberg lettuce. Chipotle’s default lettuce is romaine. Moe’s offers romaine now, but by request only. SLIGHT EDGE: CHIPOTLE…iceberg lettuce is useless.

TOPPINGS: Moe’s does NOT fuck around here. Cilantro, lime, two dressings, bacon, jalapeños, olives, diced tomatoes, corn, onions, cucumbers…it’s like they borrowed a toppings list from Papa John’s. Chipotle keeps it basic, offering very little by way of toppings. BIG EDGE: MOE’S

SOUR CREAM: Sour cream is sour cream. EDGE: TIE

GUACAMOLE: Moe’s is perfectly acceptable. Fresh, if not slightly salty. Chipotle’s is fresher, as evidenced by the fact it’s a brighter shade of green, and you can add your own salt if you so desire. EDGE: CHIPOTLE

SALSAS: Chipotle offers 4 salsas, all of which you can put on your burrito: A mild pico de gallo, medium corn and tomatillo chili salsas, and finally a HOT tomatillo red-chili salsa. Moe’s, on the other hand, only offers one salsa behind the line, their pico de gallo, which is similar to Chipotle’s.

However, Moe’s has a salsa bar for your chips that includes a hot chili sauce, a tomato based “El Guapo” medium salsa, a chunky tomato/cilantro/onion medium salsa with a terrible name (“Who is Kaiser”), a citrusy cilantro-lime tomatillo salsa, and usually another one or two new salsas they’re trying out. With similar ingredients to Chipotles, and the fact you can use these w/ your chips or dunk your burrito in them, it’s an easy winner here. EDGE: MOE’S

CHIPS: Chipotle’s chips are better. They claim to cut them from tortillas and fry them every morning (NOTE: I will not believe this until I meet someone who works in a Chipotle). They are delicious. Moe’s has standard corn tortilla chips you can find in a million Mexican restaurants or Chili’s across the country, and they thankfully abandoned the tri-color chip abortion.

However, Moe’s chips are FREE. Chipotle’s, if you get salsa or guac for your chips (also not free), will cost you $2. Until less than 90% of restaurants stop giving away chips for free, this is inexcusable, I don’t care if you have Jesus himself cutting perfect triangles out of tortillas every morning. Just give me standard chips for free. EDGE: MOE’S

ANNOYING GIMMICK: Chipotle does the whole organic-fresh farm-local produce thing, which usually makes companies and their customers insufferable. However, you don’t see too much of that, as a) again, their product is delicious, and b) pretentious white people that love all these things avoid chain burrito joints as if they were owned by McDonalds….which (HEYO!) happens to be Chipotle’s parent company.

Moe’s poor employees are forced to scream WELCOME TO MOE’S!! whenever anyone walks through the door. They have giant colorful pictures of dead musicians all over their walls. There are lame slogans (“MOE SAYS WIPE!” on the napkin dispenser) plastered everywhere. They have weird names for all their tacos, burritos, salads, quesadillas, and salsas, so it takes 10 minutes for a newcomer to decipher their menu. If Chipotle was made for the fatass that wants to pretend they’re eating healthy, Moe’s was made for the fatass that wants to pretend they’re eating healthy with ADD. EDGE: MOE’S

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FINAL TALLY: Chipotle - 6, Moe’s – 5

The score doesn’t indicate the fact that if you read the 3,000 word analysis above, there really is no contest. Chipotle is simply better food. Much like in real life, there may not seem to be a difference between the two, but there is. If you want free chips and a ton of salsa variety, go to Moe’s. If you want a superior burrito, Chipotle is your only choice.