I'm not Clowning Around Here

Over the weekend, Eric and I were traveling through the mountains of Tennessee looking for a bad ass breakfast place where we could stop and get some biscuits and gravy. Unfortunately, we found nothing of the sort and finally stopped at a McDonald's attached to a gas station. We were too late for breakfast so we ordered cheeseburgers for breakfast. I ordered a happy meal because I really like the smaller cheeseburger. I think those small cheeseburgers at McDonald's are the perfect size and I wish main stream restaurants sold cheeseburgers that size. I don't want my cheeseburger to be over run by meat. I also want to taste and enjoy the cheese, the pickles and the bread. These little cheeseburgers are also only 300 calories.

So I got my $3 happy meal and my husband got a $7 combo meal. When the lady said our total was almost $11 I had to ask her to repeat herself. Am I confused and we ended up at a Chik-fila, on a Sunday? No, my husband is just that good at spending money. So he paid and I was happy. :) (Editor's note here: order off the dollar menu for the best value).

I don't go to McDonald's a lot and this is just a fact. I'm not saying this to be a White snob because I honestly like McDonald's. In addition to their little cheeseburgers that I like, I like their iced coffee. When I worked at Gnat's Landing on Saint Simons Island, I use to go on my break between shifts to McDonald's and pick up large iced vanilla coffees for everyone. These 20 ounce beverages sold for $2. Two dollars. When a new coffee shop opened in our shopping center, we tried to give it a chance. But after you tack on tax and the for some unknown reason obligatory tip to your $5 coffee drink, your ten dollar bill just turned into small change. So it was back to McDonald's.

I also like their dipped ice-cream cones. I think Dairy Queen has better dipped cones because they use darker chocolate. However, the cones at McDonald's are half the price of their DQ equivalent and of course, they're also delicious. EDGE: McDonald's.

For breakfast, I have been a long time fan of the famous Egg McMuffin. This delicious breakfast sandwich is also only 300 calories and 12 grams of fat.  Compare that to Burger King's bacon, egg and cheese biscuit that has 420 calories and 25 grams of fat or to really any other breakfast sandwich on any fast food restaurant's menu, including the other ones on McDonald's menu.

I'm sure a lot of you have seen the movie "Super Size Me," which attacks the fast food industry in general and McDonald's in particular. For the record, I enjoyed this movie and thought it made some good points, particularly about the crap kids are getting fed in schools. One point that this movie made though, was that McDonald's isn't doing enough to post their nutrition information. I had no problem finding the nutrition information online when I was doing research for this blog. The information is user friendly and accessible. McDonald's even used pictures with their nutrition facts. I could not, however, find the nutrition information for the dipped cones I like. I'm guessing this is because this is something that is only offered regionally. If your curios, I'm sure they're bad for you.

My husband and I had only one complaint about our breakfast/lunch at McDonald's and that was the fries. The fries were not hot. Now, the people who helped us were fairly nice and I'm sure would have happily exchanged the fries for hot ones if I hadn't been too lazy and hung over to get up off my ass and do this. All and all though, I enjoyed my lunch at McDonald's and will undoubtedly go there again, because let's face it - I'm an American.

BATTLE OF THE BURRITO

Over the last 10-15 years, an abundance of fast casual burrito chains have emerged across the country, and have succeeded in taking their place alongside Subway, gourmet burger joints and expensive sandwich places in the pantheon of high end alternatives to fast food. Amazingly, these burrito chains have also been cast as healthier alternatives to fast food by virtue of using tortillas instead of bread and chicken/steak instead of ground beef. This line of thinking exists despite most menu items carrying the caloric content of a Big Mac or Whopper with Cheese.

Anyways, down in this neck of the woods, two leaders have emerged as the kings of the burrito world: Moe’s Southwest Grill and Chipotle. There are several other competitors (Barberitos [too local, too similar to Moe’s], Baja Fresh [too west coast], Willy’s [too spicy, also a Moe’s ripoff], Q’doba [absolutely nothing special about this place], Taco del Mar/La Salsa [never heard of them – TOP NOTCH ANALYSIS]), but for this exercise, let’s stick to the big two, and break down their ingredients, tale of the tape style, to see who is the TRUE BURRITO KING.

(Disclosure: I have worked at a Moe’s before. Usually this makes me favor a restaurant. Just fyi.)

CHICKEN: Moe’s uses their Southwest Vinagarette dressing on their chicken, which is delicious, but dries out quickly. Unless you get a batch fresh off the grill, skip the chicken. Chipotle’s chicken is spicy, which is a personal preference, but it’s never dry. EDGE: CHIPOTLE

STEAK: Moe’s steak is rubbery, but delicious in the same way Chicken McNuggets are delicious. Chipotle’s steak is not rubbery, but equally as good in taste. SLIGHT EDGE: CHIPOTLE

PORK/BEEF: C’mon…if you’re gonna hit up one of these, go for the money meats…Chicken/Steak. Pork is the lesser white meat and since it costs the same, YOU are the loser if you get pork (or beef).

TOFU: Moe’s carries tofu for some reason. Chipotle does not. HUGE EDGE: CHIPOTLE

FAJITA VEGGIES: Chipotle allows you to get peppers/onions with your meal. Moe’s charges extra, therefore these veggies go bad quickly on the line. BIG EDGE: CHIPOTLE

BEANS/RICE: I don’t like beans or rice, and never get these with my meals. However, in order to make this a closer race and because nobody is reading this post, let’s go ahead and say… EDGE: MOE’S

CHEESE: Moe’s gives you Montery Jack/Cheddar blend. Chipotle counters with Jack/White Cheddar. Win-Win. Just make sure they pile it on. EDGE: TIE

LETTUCE: Moe’s has the giant plastic bag shredded iceberg lettuce. Chipotle’s default lettuce is romaine. Moe’s offers romaine now, but by request only. SLIGHT EDGE: CHIPOTLE…iceberg lettuce is useless.

TOPPINGS: Moe’s does NOT fuck around here. Cilantro, lime, two dressings, bacon, jalapeños, olives, diced tomatoes, corn, onions, cucumbers…it’s like they borrowed a toppings list from Papa John’s. Chipotle keeps it basic, offering very little by way of toppings. BIG EDGE: MOE’S

SOUR CREAM: Sour cream is sour cream. EDGE: TIE

GUACAMOLE: Moe’s is perfectly acceptable. Fresh, if not slightly salty. Chipotle’s is fresher, as evidenced by the fact it’s a brighter shade of green, and you can add your own salt if you so desire. EDGE: CHIPOTLE

SALSAS: Chipotle offers 4 salsas, all of which you can put on your burrito: A mild pico de gallo, medium corn and tomatillo chili salsas, and finally a HOT tomatillo red-chili salsa. Moe’s, on the other hand, only offers one salsa behind the line, their pico de gallo, which is similar to Chipotle’s.

However, Moe’s has a salsa bar for your chips that includes a hot chili sauce, a tomato based “El Guapo” medium salsa, a chunky tomato/cilantro/onion medium salsa with a terrible name (“Who is Kaiser”), a citrusy cilantro-lime tomatillo salsa, and usually another one or two new salsas they’re trying out. With similar ingredients to Chipotles, and the fact you can use these w/ your chips or dunk your burrito in them, it’s an easy winner here. EDGE: MOE’S

CHIPS: Chipotle’s chips are better. They claim to cut them from tortillas and fry them every morning (NOTE: I will not believe this until I meet someone who works in a Chipotle). They are delicious. Moe’s has standard corn tortilla chips you can find in a million Mexican restaurants or Chili’s across the country, and they thankfully abandoned the tri-color chip abortion.

However, Moe’s chips are FREE. Chipotle’s, if you get salsa or guac for your chips (also not free), will cost you $2. Until less than 90% of restaurants stop giving away chips for free, this is inexcusable, I don’t care if you have Jesus himself cutting perfect triangles out of tortillas every morning. Just give me standard chips for free. EDGE: MOE’S

ANNOYING GIMMICK: Chipotle does the whole organic-fresh farm-local produce thing, which usually makes companies and their customers insufferable. However, you don’t see too much of that, as a) again, their product is delicious, and b) pretentious white people that love all these things avoid chain burrito joints as if they were owned by McDonalds….which (HEYO!) happens to be Chipotle’s parent company.

Moe’s poor employees are forced to scream WELCOME TO MOE’S!! whenever anyone walks through the door. They have giant colorful pictures of dead musicians all over their walls. There are lame slogans (“MOE SAYS WIPE!” on the napkin dispenser) plastered everywhere. They have weird names for all their tacos, burritos, salads, quesadillas, and salsas, so it takes 10 minutes for a newcomer to decipher their menu. If Chipotle was made for the fatass that wants to pretend they’re eating healthy, Moe’s was made for the fatass that wants to pretend they’re eating healthy with ADD. EDGE: MOE’S

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FINAL TALLY: Chipotle - 6, Moe’s – 5

The score doesn’t indicate the fact that if you read the 3,000 word analysis above, there really is no contest. Chipotle is simply better food. Much like in real life, there may not seem to be a difference between the two, but there is. If you want free chips and a ton of salsa variety, go to Moe’s. If you want a superior burrito, Chipotle is your only choice.

IS APPLEBEES NOW FAST FOOD? A Heated Gmail Debate

SUBJECT: Is Applebees fast food?


Bethany wrote:

I just heard an ad on the radio for applebee's. They were advertising a $7.99 lunch, includes a soft drink, guaranteed to be at your table within 12 minutes or it's free.

Joe wrote:

• You were listening to the radio at work? Like AM/FM..not even pandora?

• Guaranteed to be at your table in 12 mins lol. They must have some heavy duty microwaves back in that kitchen!

• So that after tax is $8.48. That's a tough one. Plus, you have to leave a tip. Knowing the Applebees clientele, that's a $10 lunch, max. Similar to Olive Garden soup/salad/breadsticks for $6.99.

• On the other hand, if you were to get lunch at say Jimmy Johns/5 Guys/Chipotle and were so inclined to tip the people behind the counter, as people do now for some reason, you're probably spending $9-10 anyways.

• So basically I have no idea. Fast Casual i suppose.

Bethany wrote:

They must have some powerful microwaves, lol. I had a friend who worked at Applebee's in athens and she said just about everything that came in there, came in frozen and then they microwaved it. Like for the pasta dishes, they didn't actually boil water. They just microwaved them. Kind of like a marie calendar's dish you would pick up in the freezer aisle. I'm going with Applebees is fast food. Sure you have a server but you also have a server at Steak and Shake and Steak and Shake has a drive thru window, therefore it's fast food. Also, their lunch special comes with a soft drink. You can't tell me that's not a combo meal!

I can't imagine how terrible it would be to work the soup, salad and bread stick lunch at Olive Garden. Not only is it cheap but it's unlimited. So there's no telling how many trips you'll make to the table to refill soup, salads and bread sticks for your tip that most likely will be change. I went there for lunch with some coworkers from the rehab. They got that deal. Each paid on separate tickets and gave the server ten dollar bills and then asked for their change when she didn't bring it back. I'm pretty sure one of my coworkers left a quarter for the tip. Like it's 1950.

Yes I was listening to the radio. Like the old fashioned AM/FM kind. At least it doesn't have an antenna.

I understand today is signing day. Looks like we can talk about college football again!

Joe wrote:

GREAT comparison with the Steak and Shake. However, if a place has a bar, can it be considered fast food? I'm not ready to make this judgement.

As a former Olive Garden server, let me just say if you know what you're doing (i.e. SAVE ALL OLD RECEIPTS) and the clientele is right (i.e. PAYING CASH), the Soup/Salad/Breadstick lunch can be very, very, profitable.

(At this point the conversation steered to college football.)

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS RIVETING.

Is Applebees fast food?

Final Conclusion: Inconclusive

STARBUCKS: A Short Post With NEVER BEFORE SEEN Obeservations and Commentary

(Ed. Note: Below is a guest post from Macie, who claims she "doesn't go to chain restaurants," on Starbucks.)

Let’s be honest, Starbucks is probably the most overpriced coffee out there….they aren’t really using organic beans or are they helping the environment. But I am totally addicted to caffeine and the people watching every one of the stores has to offer, so I frequent quite a bit. I also love the fact that my favorite Barista, Lewis at the Starbucks at the Peach Shopping center, knows my order!

The hipsters (unemployed protesting losers) are my favorite to watch, who are inevitably at every Starbucks in America….right now. However Starbucks, being a greedy corporation (bc every corporation is greedy) doesn’t really fit into their beliefs, but they have no problem, using the power plugs to charge their Macs, and just using the air in general.

I also love listening to people order the most ridiculous things….like “Can I have a venti soy vanilla latte, no foam, extra shots of expresso, hold the whip but yes let me have that 1200 calorie apple fritter”

What is wrong with these people?

Oh and if you want to know my drink order…grande non-fat white mocha