UNRELATED: Top 10 Beers (If you enjoy "Becks" or "Stella," move along)

Now, obviously, this is just some jackass with a blog's opinion. Not to mention, beer taste is totally subjective. You can take all your fancy, dark, "tasteful," "i drank this in germany," "i like hoppy beer" opinions to some microbrew blog for refined douchebags. If I'm drinking beer, I'm drinking it for two reasons: 1) to heighten my experience while dining at a mediocre Mexican establishment or 2) to get mind-numbingly intoxicated. I don't want a beer that tastes like a 5 course meal. Onto the list:

1) Amstel Light - Crisp, light, has a unique taste, comes in a well-insulated bottle. If I am at a wedding that is serving Amstel Light, that is what I am drinking all night, open bar or not.

2) Natural Light - Tastes like water? So what? Who the hell doesn't drink water? First of all, its nowhere near as water-y as detractors make it out to be. It still has a substantial Bud Light flavor to it. And at less than 8 dollars for a 12-pack and never more than $15 for a 30 pack, its the best value in brew.

3) Coors Light - Huge development in my beer-swilling habits of late: Coors Light recently ended Bud Light's 10-year reign as my domestic light beer of choice when a) out at a bar or b) needing to provide beer to a female that is thoroughly disgusted and turned off by Natty Light.

4) Bud Light - I will always enjoy Bud Light and have no idea why Coors Light supplanted it (uggh, I truly feel bad for anyone still reading down this far).

5) Bud Select - You cannot convince me there is a difference between Bud Select and Natty Light. Same "water-y" taste as declared by the masses. Same caloric content (95). Same distributors. Perhaps if any person I knew actually drank these two beers, someone else besides me might notice this.

6) Heineken - Closest beer to a premium that I'll drink and actually enjoy over a good ole domestic.

7) Brooklyn Lager - Yes, this is a gay microbrew from Williamsburg, Brooklyn of all places. But it doesn't try to overdo it with hops, spices and anything else that makes the brewmasters at Sam Adams nut their pants. Just a strong American beer. Yet to meet one person who has tried this beer and hasn't become a fan.

8) Coors - Best of all the non-light domestics, narrowly edging the original Budweiser. Thought I must admit I have never had a Miller Genuine Draft. That should change soon.

9) Miller Lite - It's a light, moderately priced American beer. It makes the list. However you would describe that distinct flavor that Miller Lite ads always tout is precisely the reason I have it so much lower than Bud/Coors Light on my list. It's also why Miller Lite drinkers are fiercely loyal to that brand, more so than fans of the other two are.

10) Sweetwater Blue - I really enjoy one, maybe two of these. Anything more than that leaves a bitter and sticky aftertaste in your mouth Yes, I know its a female beer (ask me, any Sweetwater falls under that category). At least I didn't go the Corona/Blue Moon route. Fruit in your beer? Please son.

One more thing: PBR tastes like ass...I don't get that one at all.

Ruby, tuby, do - and we've got salads, too!

I have heard some pretty bad things about Ruby Tuesdays, as far as their food having some of the worst nutritional ratings, even compared to fast food chains. One thing you do have to consider when you eat at some of these chain restaurants, (Ruby Tuesday’s, Chili’s, Applebee’s, etc.) is the nutritional value (or disvalue as the case may be) of the food is very comparable to major fast food restaurants but sometimes the portion size at the sit down restaurants will be larger to justify the increased cost.[1] I can see how someone might argue that about Ruby Tuesday’s but I believe it’s about the choices that you make.

If you’re trying to watch your caloric intakes, the beverage you chose can be the first pitfall. Of course the servers will try very hard to up sell you with the beverage. The corporation doesn’t want you to get a free drink, like water. At Ruby Tuesday’s they have a separate menu just for specialty drinks and desserts. If you’re looking for a fun, non-alcoholic beverage – they’ve go them. They have a variety of flavored teas and freshly squeezed lemonades. They’re a bit expensive ($3.49) but do come with free refills. They’ve also got a variety of specialty adult beverages but since I was on my lunch break I had the strawberry lemonade and it was delicious! It was sweet but tart and had bits of real strawberries in it. I do not recommend this if you want to cut down on calories though – stick with water.

A healthy option they have for lunch is the salad bar. A salad bar is a good choice for those of us on a lunch break with limited time. You just order and go, no waiting for your well done burger to cook. It’s not quite as impressive as the salad bar at Jason’s Deli but still a decent salad bar. Ruby Tuesday’s doesn’t have artichoke hearts, the little tiny muffins or free ice-cream that Jason’s Deli has, to name a few differences. Nonetheless, the vegetables were fresh, colorful and tasty and they have an impressive sneeze guard. I struggled to reach the vegetables with my short arms but was happy to know the mouth breathers of the world hadn’t contaminated my food.

Another great thing about the salad bar – free refills! So if you’re looking for a healthy lunch, believe it or not you can find it at Ruby Tuesday’s – just don’t pair the salad bar with the broccoli and cheese soup and you’ll be okay. Also, try to avoid the free cheese biscuits. I know free bread can make or break a restaurant for my co-editor, Joe Friday, however it can really pack on some unnoticed calories for our health conscious diners. Also, Ruby Tuesday’s is trying to expand their menu to include more healthy choices besides the salad bar. A word of caution here - just because it’s a turkey burger it’ll still be bad for you if you top it off with bacon, cheese and mayo – just something to consider. So all in all, I enjoyed my lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s and will probably go back there for lunch.

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[1] Source: personal opinion and bias

Burger King: Stuffed Doesn't Always Mean Buffed

(Ed Note: This is a guest post from part-time blogger, full-time fatass "Ben Jammin.")

Like an amusement park ride that looks really cool but is likely way more trouble than the actual payoff, themed and specialty burgers at fast food joints is just one of those things you want to try. “Hey,” you say to yourself as your couch surfing, observing a commercial featuring a new sandwich with two ½-pound patties, onion rings, barbeque sauce and topped with a fried egg. “There’s no way that shit could be bad!”

Alleged part-time “food critics” at Complex.com mention that the Burger King Stuffed Steakhouse, “has a smoky hit to it.” No, I believe the word you’re looking for there is “burnt.” Distinctly burnt with a minor hint of stomach-churn grease.

Ever since the Food Network aired a special about The Good Dog – and a few other local restaurants – in Philadelphia that stuffed their beef patties with all kinds of cheeses and ingredients before serving piping hot with cheese like magma flowing out from the meat’s pores to the public, it seems “stuffed” and “pockets filled with” is the new craze with hamburgers. Like gourmet, overpriced cupcakes before it, and the Atkins diet before that, I expect this craze will die down somewhat, especially when mutants of the concept are born of exceptional stupidity and greed with a complete lack of attention towards quality or taste.

Moving back to our analogy, we can safely say that the Stuffed Steakhouse is the steep-drop waterslide of fast food burgers. Sure, the concept of having pockets of cheese and jalepenos stuffed into your patty may seem like a good idea, just as the steep drop and considerable velocity make the straight-down water slide seem like a good idea.

So try it once, but in the end you don’t want to wait in line just to have water shot up your ass…or out of it.

Zaxby's - Zorry, I tried to like it

An unusual thing happened last week. I work in the office of an apartment complex and one of my residents gave me a $10 gift certificate to Zaxby's as a token of her appreciation. So after retrieving packages from her door step and unplugging appliances feared to be left on while she was out of town, I was awarded with a free lunch. I don't usually eat at Zaxby's but I was excited about the gesture.

 Happily, I phoned a girlfriend and made a lunch date for the next day. Since I had a gift card, I decided to go all out - I ordered an appetizer and a meal. Since I am not a big fan of crinkled fries and that's the typical side with a sandwich there, I selected a Zalad for my meal. To make up for not ordering fries, I decided to get an unhealthy, fried Zappetizer.

Now, I haven't been a big fan of Zaxby's in the past and I don't have a really good reason for it. I love Chik-fila and the two restaurants have pretty much the same concept.  Almost everyone I know loves Zaxby's. I do like how they serve their meals on a real plate so you get a little more of a restaurant feel versus a fast food feel. Also, it's better for the environment (a very waspy thing to say, I realize). However, I've just never gotten into Zaxby's. So to give Zaxby's a fair chance of impressing me I decided to order the most fattening and therefore hopefully, the most tasty, Zappetizer - fried white cheddar cheese bites. (For those price conscious readers, the Zappetizer is about three and half dollars but if you want to save money order it as a side). I love cheese and white cheddar is possibly my favorite type of cheese. However, I was very disappointed with my fried cheese bites. They weren't hot enough so the cheese was too thick. Instead of piping hot, soft, luscious, melted cheese - I got chewy cheese of the consistency of string cheese. Think string cheese with bread crumbs on it. That's what I was eating. I was dipping it in as much marinara as possible to make it worthwhile.

Nonetheless, I ended up eating most of the cheese bites because I enjoyed them more than my Zalad. Again, in an attempt to give Zaxby's a fair chance of winning me over as a customer - I ordered fried chicken on my Zalad. I know fried chicken is what Zaxby's is known for as opposed to grilled chicken. So again - I'm trying to give Zaxby's a fair chance here. The place is about one block from the apartment complex where I work and live. Everyone else loves it. I want to like it, too! I want to be a fan but still, I found the Zalad to be bland and tasteless. The salads taste like they're stored in a freezer - like your eating vegetables that once had flavor, color and life but now are just boring and flavorless Also, I'm pretty sure the chicken was supposed to be tossed in a teriyaki sauce that was forgotten. To put it another way - the salad was indescribably bad. So in conclusion, I've tried to give Zaxby's a chance and understand what it is about the place that everyone else is crazy about but I'm zorry, I'm just not into it.

Taco Mac: BRING YOUR CREDIT CARDS

Generally speaking, sports bar food ranks a slight notch above fast-food on the food quality scale, and about 20 notches below fast-food on the “bang-for-your-buck” value scale. You’re looking at mediocre philly cheesesteaks, average wings, frozen-then-nuked burgers, etc.

Therefore, in comparison to most sports bar fare, Taco Mac, with 25ish locations in Georgia and a couple of neighboring states, has a more diverse menu and better tastes. Given Taco Mac’s Mexican roots, there are tex-mex options as good as anything at any other chain Mexican joint. Their Queso Poblano, a cheese dip with peppers, jalepenos, cilantro, chorizo, and pico de gallo is well worth the $6.99. The burgers and sandwiches (especially the Hollywood Chicken sandwich) are comparable if not favorable to anything you would find at an Applebees, Chili’s, TGI Fridays, or anything else of that ilk.

(Disclosure: I’m not a connoisseur of buffalo wings. They all taste the same to me, and I’m kinda a pussy when it comes to uber-spicy foods. That said, by all accounts, Taco Mac’s are excellent.)

So given their above-average menu, tons of TVs and the 300+ beer choices, Taco Mac would seem like the ultimate destination to eat, watch a game or get drunk in a relaxed setting. This is true…as long as you go in with the expectation that it’s very possible that you will pay what you would at a 5-star steakhouse (assuming you like to drink at a sports bar).

Their cheapest beer is currently an aluminum bottle of Miller or Coors Light at $3.50. Their cheapest pitcher is PBR, usually $9. Domestic light beer pitchers run around $14. Every bottle of beer is at least $4-5, with many of the higher gravity varieties running anywhere from $6-8. Liqour prices are about what you can expect to pay at most any overpriced pub, but if you order liquor at Taco Mac you lose anyways.

What the marketing wizards at Taco Mac have done is create a fake club (“Brewniversity”) to help justify you paying for their expensive beer. After hitting certain benchmarks for trying amounts of different beers, you are “rewarded” with various knickknacks that make Chuck E. Cheese or arcade prizes seem like lottery winnings.

Let’s say, for argument’s sake, the average beer at Taco Mac, especially once you move to the non-light domestic beer options, is $6. Using this benchmark and this chart, these are the prizes received for money spent (yes, I realize this makes me look like a cheap bastard):

$78 – T-Shirt

$450 - $10 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$750 – T-Shirt and Mug, name on a plaque at Taco Mac

$1050 - $20 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$1350 – An embroidered polo shirt you will never wear in public, name on another plaque

$1650 - $30 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$1950 – An embroidered jacket that would look great if you were a strip club DJ, name on another plaque

$2250 - $50 you can spend at Taco Mac!

$3450 – An embroidered pullover that a homeless person needs more than you

$4500 – A Tankard. Actual value: Approximately $15

$6000 - $100 you can spend at Taco Mac, name on another plaque

So for spending $6000 on beer at Taco Mac, you acquire two T-Shirts that won’t fit you after you’ve spent the requisite amount of time required to spend $6k at Taco Mac, $210 in Taco Mac money, three tacky clothes items, 2 pieces of drinkware, and your name on some plaques that are sure to get you laid. WHERE CAN I SIGN UP?